Jennifer Garner’s childhood dream

When you think of Jennifer Garner what’s the first thing that comes into your mind?

I would always think of her as this super hot kick ass agent from Alias. Those piercing eyes and super cute dimples can command a hard on from any badass terrorist out there! That’s probably why she kicks everyone’s arses on the show. Oh so you got a gun do you? **smile** now go jack off in the dungeon!

Guess what she wanted to be when she was kid? Nope, she didn’t want to be a model. And no, she didn’t want to be an actress either. She wanted to be. . Are you ready for this? . . . A librarian! What a glamorous and fulfilling job! And I wonder why she didn’t go through with her original plans?

According to news.com.au, Jennifer wasn't actually interested in pursuing a Hollywood career when she was younger, she wanted to be a librarian and also dreamt of being a children's author.
"I wanted to be a children's book author and a librarian. My mom took my sisters and me to the library once a week when we were kids." Garner quipped. This is some pretty exciting sh*t right here! Children’s author? Maybe. But librarian? No thanks! The highlight of your day will probably consist of showing stupid jackasses how to set up an email account in yahoo, later on the day you’ll then be showing more stupid jackasses how to then use the photocopying machine. If you’re lucky you get to scrape gum off chairs and if you’re really adventurous- well then you’ll get down and dirty with cataloguing. Now that’s some scary sh*t right there!

I’d rather be a checkout chick in Woolworths to be honest, at least there I can get to chat with hot chicks every once in a decade and get checked out by horny old moms. Ahhh. . . euphoria!

Image: timeinc.net

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Mother jailed for biting her son

Mommy, mommy that’s my Barbie doll. . . Shaddup you little skank! This sh*tass doll is mine! **bitch slap**!!

According to news.com.au, a mother was jailed by a British court today after biting her five-year-old son in a “revenge” attack because he had hurt his baby sister.

Questioned as to why she did it, the 28-year-old mother-of-two answered: “I don’t know. Probably that he hurt his sister, so he’s got to be hurt.” You did the right thing mommy, next time little Joey steals something from the lolly jar just get your elbow and knee pads ready and kick box him to the head! That’ll teach the little bugger!

“It’s an automatic reaction to protect your youngest. He had already had his DS (Nintendo games console) confiscated earlier this week. I feel really guilty. At the end of day it’s my baby. He’s my baby.” She continued. Oh so now you realise this, you do know that there’s other more subtler ways of disciplining your child. Have you ever tried a bum smack? Of course not, I’m guessing you’re of Spartan decent so biting is a gesture of affection.

Judge Horton ended up jailing the mauling mommy for five months in Cheltenham, southwest England, He said: “This is a case of pure anger where she appeared to have taken revenge on her own son for injury caused to the other child.”

In most homes, mom’s word is law. In this scenario, mommy is probably the reason why ‘Wally’ has gone hiding. I reckon she’ll be suing NBC show Law and Order soon to pay for her legal fees, because apparently ‘Law’ and ‘Order’ are trademarked names for her left and right hands.

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Megan Fox a nerd??

Is this for real?? Wow! Let me tell everyone on my ICQ list about this. I am sooo in these days!

According to news.com.au, Megan Fox has revealed that she is “the biggest nerd”. Great scots of Scotland! Can there be a hotter nerd than this hot bombshell?? Hey Megan do you mind if I add some RAM and Gigabytes to your motherboard? You have legs hotter than an Isosceles triangle girl! If me and you hook up, it’ll be like the super imposing two oblique radiographs baby!
Despite being FHM magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive earlier this year, Megan Fox actually admits that she is quite a nerd. “I’m the biggest nerd – I love comic books and stuff like that!” she quipped. She also mentioned that she hasn’t got any female friends in the entertainment industry because she’d rather hang out with men. “I don’t have any friends who are actresses. I only had one girlfriend when I was growing up. Most of my friends were boys. I was such a tomboy. I enjoyed doing guy things.” She added.

There you go super geeks of Sydney, this beautiful creature is actually a big nerd; or so she says- there is hope for the nice nerdy guys out there after all! I better have ‘.com’ officially removed from behind my name now; I’m now going to Hollywood to show Megan how nerdy I am so we can make beautiful elevator music together. I better stop making the modem connect sound whenever someone says ‘hello’ to me though, I don’t want her to think that I’m a bloody weirdo.

Info: BANG Showbiz / Reuters

Beverly Hills 90210 has weight problems

Welcome to Beverly Hills 90210. . .the land where some of the hottest people in the world reside . . . a land of exquisiteness, a land of beauty and apparently, a land full of anorexics . . . what else is new?

Us Weekly report that 90210 stars Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup have been ordered to put on weight, after some co-stars alleged that they don’t see them eat and they look pretty anorexic. Sure, sure, I’m pretty sure the other stars are just jealous of these girls. The other girls probably eat like pigs and then vomit everything else later on; it’s all one and the same.
Here’s the irony of it all: If you’re too skinny you are criticised for being anorexic therefore you need to put on weight. If you’re a bit chubby you are then criticised for being too fat so therefore you need to go on a diet. If you’re body is bordering medium then you are criticised for not having any curves- if you work out and get too toned you get criticised for being a dyke but then if you don’t work out and have a normal built you are then criticised for having a cardboard booty. What else can you do?? If you’re naturally skinny, can you help it? Leave the hotties alone; from the looks of it they look ok. They may seem skinny but I doubt that it’s anything to be alarmed about.

Their co-stars are probably dubbing on them because they can’t get none of that booty. Try jacking off before your takes boys, that’ll keep you guys focussed!

Image: daylife.com

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Who hates Facebook’s new look?

I only have one word for Facebook’s new look. . .BOO!!

According to news.com.au, a Facebook group has been created to protest changes to the social networking website, The “5,000,000 against the new version of Facebook” has apparently attracted one million members already and is increasing in numbers by up to at least 200,000 members a day.

Yep that’s right – BOO!!

Facebook’s new look was divulged to the public last July, it presented an option to test the design first and then requested members to provide a feedback before making it then a compulsory change this month.

News.com.au further reports that Facebook rebel leader Adam Stanborough said he had created the group to give a voice to users who felt the redesign was unnecessary and not user-friendly. “I never would have imagined that we could get a million members by day 12,” he quipped. “The growth of the group goes to show how many people disapprove of the new changes.”

In response to this, Facebook actually claims that up to 30 million users have already willingly made a changeover to the new design before it was even made compulsory.

“In July, we introduced an ‘opt-in’ program for the new design and were delighted to see that 30 million people voluntarily chose to switch to the new site during the opt-in phase,” the company alleged.

The redesign was supposed to be aimed at eliminating clutter and curbing spam on user profiles.
Facebook – schmacebook! I used to love facebook for it’s neat and professional design and interface, well it still kinda looks neat and professional – its just that now it looks super gay! Its as gay as a ghetto prisoner picking up soap during shower time – the minute he bends over and presents an opening- BAM! – SURPRISEE!!! Afterwards, the other prisoners will probably go, ‘Oops sorry my bad, I accidentally just fell. . . – HARD!’ Anyways, I reckon the design layout is too bloody wide like a ‘2 rhino’s humping’ wide. And wide enough as it is you still have to click from one tab after another just to get from the info to the wall to the funwall etc. . the whole thing makes me feel like a f**king perve now. It’s not like before, wherein you log in and everything’s all laid out in one neat looking long page. This widescreen TV wannabe sh*t is just not working for me. I say bring back the old facebook interface! Enough widescreen bullsh*t and let’s get back to the basics. Let’s be honest, everyones a f**king perve in facebook, lame enough as it sounds everyone loves sifting through other people’s profiles, looking at their pics and ‘what are you doing right now’ sh*t etc. . I don’t want some widescreen tab to tab bull crap to remind me how much of a perve I am.

There’s more than a million people behind me by the way so Facebook take note! I know this whole arguments kind of lame, but I’m bored so just shut up and join the “5,000,000 against the new version of Facebook” group. Otherwise I will throw you in jail and throw your soap in the middle of the shower room, and then we’ll see how tough you are.

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Mischa Barton's popping out party

Whilst leaving a fashion show in London, Mischa suffered a humiliating wardrobe malfunction – her boobies accidentally popped out as she got inside the taxi!

BREAST WISHES to Mischa on her popping out party!

Would you care for a little BREAST MILK with that tea?

Sorry, am I MILKING this topic for all it’s worth? No pun intended by the way.

According to dailymail.co.uk, the star’s breast slipped out of her satin red and gold evening gown as she jumped into a taxi after the Fashion For Relief show at the Natural History Museum in South Kensington.

The former OC star was taken aback by this unfortunately embarrassing incident so she had no choice but to quickly cover herself up and bury her face in her hands.

There, there Mischa, don’t worry this incident much like Janet Jackson’s ‘Nipplegate scandal’ will come to pass. Trust me I know, Bruno knows BREAST. Oops sorry, I meant to say Best.

Image: matrixphotos.com

Brad Pitt voted women's dream holiday partner

Well this is a surprise? Did anyone see this coming?

According to news.com.au, Brad ‘my sh*t don’t stink’ Pitt has apparently been voted women's dream holiday partner, Blonde James Bond star Daniel Craig came in at second place. Well this guy was at one stage the sexiest man alive, what other ‘hotness’ award do you want still? C’mon get off the stage and give other guys a go! We all know your hot already, Boo!

I will always remember Mr. Pitt as Achilles from Troy, Most of the time in the movie he’d have no shirt on so people can stare and be in awe of his snake like guns, GI Joe pecs, washboard abs and ballsack of destruction . . . he would sleep with two women before the day of the war and then wake up late next day only to kill this ugly as sh*t ogre of a man with a Jordanesque sidestep and a quick spear maneuver to the shoulders. *clap* *clap* He probably sweats Oil of Ulay, pees pure milk and sh*ts Tiffany Jewelry wrapped in Fabric. He’s bumped uglies with the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston and now Angelina Jolie. What an ugly collection of chicks, could life be more cruel?

On another note, here’s something you wouldn’t expect: Dame Helen Mirren was apparently voted the dream holiday partner for men. The 63-year-old actress beat the likes of young bloods such as Britney Spears, Sienna Miller and glamour model Jordan. WTF?? Helen was recently pictured wearing a skimpy red bikini earlier, maybe that’s what swayed people to vote for her? No offence, I’m sure she was beautiful back in her younger days but sh*t this is 2008! What the hell possessed guys to vote for Helen Mirren?? I guess if you have a fetish for older women and you want someone to tuck you to bed and put baby powder with matching towel in your back then she’s definitely your gal. Maybe guys these days dig chicks with ears hairier than their heads? Well, I guess whatever makes you happy, you can both sing along to elevator music and dream of prunes. The only argument you guys will probably have is about pension plans.

Info: BANG Showbiz / EPA, AAPImage: http://www.ew.com/

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Free drinks for chicks with no undies

Now this is a headline that definitely screams scandal!

According to news.com.au, a Melbourne pub is apparently offering free drinks to women who are open to removing their underwear. The Saint Hotel in St Kilda is hosting a No Undie Sundie event this weekend, promising a $50 drink card if women hang their knickers over the bar.
Oh, and if women flash their bras or underwear at bar staff, they'll also get a free drink.

So the Saint Hotel is looking for whorish skanks who are pretty much ready to take off their bra and undies for the sake of a free drink – F**k! That’s pretty degrading! Ok girls, show us your tits and undies and we’ll give you a free drink, don’t mind those horny old geezers and potential rapists around you who now see you as a $2 hooker, you’re getting a free drink! And that’s all that matters.

Needless to say, Sex assault counselors were outraged, saying it put young women at risk. Liquor Licensing Victoria director Sue Maclellan also alleged that an inquiry would start immediately.

"On the face of it, it looks like an inappropriate liquor promotion and we will be investigating with a view to banning it," Ms Maclellan quipped.

Port Phillip mayor Janet Cribbes added that she would consider submitting the organisers name to the Advertising Standards Bureau.

"The ad is bordering on being pornographic," Janet Cribbes said. "It fuels the fire for irresponsible drinking, irresponsible behaviour and puts young women at risk and makes them more vulnerable to sexual assault.”

Mad props to you Janet! I mean, I’ve come across a lot of shady crap in my lifetime, but this sh*t definitely stinks! Who came up with this filthy idea?? This gives out a suggestion that if these skanks can agree to take their gear off for a free drink or a $50 voucher, then they are definitely down with some backdoor bandit action for $70. The organisers must’ve been some deprived, horny as hell sh*tpickers.

I can’t get a chick so therefore I will offer a free drink and a $50 voucher for a quick perve. Nice. Tell you what, I’ll send you guys some playboy mags via mail- just go whack off in the toilet or something. Take a cold shower while you’re at it bloody douchebags!

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Longest-legged woman meets world’s shortest man

If they intend on hooking up, the future relationship clearly cannot work. Well not unless she’s planning to use him as a sex toy or something.

According to news.com.au, The 74cm tall He Pingping went for a photo shoot yesterday alongside the 132cm legs of Svetlana Pankratova at the steps of London's Trafalger Square.

Ms Pankratova said she was bewildered to find a fully grown man who was only about the height of her thigh.“I heard he was going to be the shortest man, but I didn’t realise he was going to be that small," Ms Pankratova told UK tabloid The Sun.

20 yr old Mr Pingping apparently suffers from primordial dwarfism and was no bigger than his father's palm when he was born. He was flown to Britain from his home in inner Mongolia where he runs a restaurant.

Ms Pankratova on the other hand is a 36-year-old Russian real estate agent who resides in Spain.

News.com.au reports that both parties were brought together to promote the 2009 edition of the Guinness World Records book, which is launched today.

This small guy is kind of cute actually! Well if ever they do end up hooking up in the end there’s a couple of things she can use him for. She can use him as a 1./ a body scrub for those hard to reach places in her body, 2./ as a pillow for those boring long trips, 3./ a stylish head piece, 4./ an animate house display, 5./ a moving bean bag, and last but not least – a pleasure toy for those times when she feels kinky.

Peace my little asian brotha!

Image: news.com.au

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Desperate and Proud

Desperation has now risen to new heights in Sydney – according to news.com.au, 10 brave souls will plaster themselves across six billboards in Sydney from today in the hope of finding love. Now that’s balls of steel right there! I can’t find a wife- fine, I’ll now put up billboards of myself in my underwear telling the world that I’m desperate, lonely and in need of some Mclovin Happy Meal. I’m looking for chicks that scream a lot and who likes marking their territory with urine- ok maybe not the last one. I’m sure their friends, relatives and people at work won’t notice the billboards. . .Yep, you guys are doing the right thing. I’m sure when any of you walk down the streets people won’t look at you and say ‘Oohh. . .there’s that poor, lonely guy in the billboard, F**k what a sad bugger!’

Billboards will display five men and five women, dressed in their underwear, requesting commuters to register on a dating website. This ballsy plan was created by a North Sydney single woman- Bea Obradovic, 40. Frustrated by her own experiences with internet sites, she finally decided that “it was time for drastic action”.

With no financial backing anywhere in sight, Ms Obradovic has decided to fund the project entirely on her own. News.com.au reports that she apparently refinanced her house to pay for the ads and hired PR guru and cricket wife Rachel Friend to get her message out.

“There is nothing embarrassing about wanting companionship,” Ms Obradovic said. “There is nothing wrong with admitting you don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone.”

Yes Ms Obradovic there is nothing embarrassing about wanting companionship and there is definitely nothing wrong with admitting you don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone – but f**k there is definitely something wrong with plastering billboards of yourself in your freakin’ underwear with a website entitled ‘wifewanted.com.au’. Might as well pass around flyers and post posters of yourself in walls and buses with a personal ad that goes something like “Angry, loser middle aged wanker wallowing in an unending sea of lifeless, sagging lonesomeness looking for deprived leech-like scabby teeny bopper to abuse with Vietnam war stories, minute man sex and John Denver albums.” Perfect!

Billboards will apparently be put up on main roads and freeways at Ashfield, Blakehurst, Tempe, Wyatt Park, Liverpool and Arncliffe.

Well actually, I might try approaching one of the women in the billboard with an email that goes like this: “Hi, I’m Bruno, I like eating Nutella and vegemite sandwiches in the rain, watching Scooby Doo reruns, urinating on ants in the park and spitting at strangers on the subway; you eat nachos on milkshake, have sprinted the Great Western Highway, and sweat curry freely and frequently. Must wear size two shirts.” Yep, that should hook one of those honeys up!

Image: news.com.au

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